Interview mit einem Taliban

In seinem am 23.04.2009 im Dawn Blog geposteten Beitrag stellt sich Nadeem F. Paracha vor, wie ein Interview mit einem pakistanischen Taliban zum Thema 'Auspeitschung' vonstatten ginge (entdeckt bei zeit.de):

Salaam, Jamat Bin Jihad Bhai
Walaikumsalam!
How are you today?
Why do you want to know?
Just asking, sir.
You ask too many questions.
But I’m here to interview you!
No, I will speak and you will listen.
But …
Shut up, damn fool man!
But …
Quiet, or I’ll have you beheaded!
Gulp!
What?
I gulped.
Gulped what?
Err … air perhaps?
I thought I told you no questions!
But …
Keep quiet, you kaali chapati!
Kaali chapati?
Yes, that’s what you insects eat in Karachi, don’t you?
Do we? And what do you guys eat?
Is that a question?
Gulp!
You gulped again.
Yes.
Are you drunk?
No!
I think you are. I’ll have you flogged.
But …
Shut up, infidel! 80 lashes for you!
That’s not fair!
Okay, 75.
But …
Keep quiet. Now tell me, why did your newspaper send you here?
We want to know why your people have been flogging young girls?
Stupid question.
How come?
That’s now two stupid questions. Back to 80 lashes!
But, sir, why are you always lashing and flogging and beheading?
Stupid question number three. 101 lashes!
So be it!
Really?
Yes.
Okay, 79 lashes.
But why?
Because we are Muslims!
So are we in Karachi.
Nonsense! You all are pagans and women!
Women? That’s a gender.
How dare you! 109 lashes!
Huh?
Is that a question?
No, I mean …
Shut up, damn fool man! There is only one gender. Male!
How can you say that? God made women too.
1,000 lashes!
But why?
For committing sacralige.
But I didn’t!
You said God made women too.
But he did!
Quiet! 1,070 lashes!
Huh?
Another stupid question.
No it’s not.
Is so.
Is not.
Is so.
Is not.
Is so.
Is not.
Is so.
Okay, is so.
What?
I said, is so. I agree with you.
It’s a sin to let an infidel agree with you! 3,000 lashes!
But it’s your sin!
I am sinless!
But you kill, destroy, spread mayhem, behead, lash and flog!
Thank you.
You’re actually proud of this?
Just booking my place in paradise. You should too.
Really? How?
Here.
That’s a suicide jacket.
Yes. It’s cold up here. Wear it.
But I already have a jacket on.
Yes, but it doesn’t have the heavenly warmth of dynamite.
But I’ll die if the dynamite explodes.
Sure, and so would many other people around you.
But why should I kill them?
Because you are a true believer.
Oh, for heaven’s sake!
Exactly.
Can we get back to the girl’s flogging issue?
Wait a minute. Here, you see this goat?
Yes.
This is an educated goat.
Excuse me?
We are replacing girls’ schools with schools for goats.
But goats are animals!
So are women.
Oh, for heaven’s sake!
Exactly.
But why are you educating goats and not girls?
Because goats don’t talk back and aren’t immoral.
But men can be immoral too.
They can?
Of course.
I think you are trying to distract me with secular philosophy.
Tell me, what’s an educated goat like?
Like this one, here.
Yes, but it’s like any other goat.
So what should a goat look like, a dog?
I mean, how is she educated?
Educated goats eat less grass.
That’s crazy.
That’s a scientific fact.
Since when are you into science?
Oh, I know all about science. A djinn taught me.
A djinn taught you science?
Yes.
Can I see him?
He’s gone to Karachi. He does a TV show there.
A TV show?
Yes. He knows all about the conspiracies being hatched against the Muslims.
Really?
Yes, for example, recently he proved how the rays coming from the pyramid-eye on the dollar bill are creating earthquakes and the energy crises in Pakistan.
And you believe that?
Of course. Don’t you?
No.
Infidel! 19,000 lashes!
But I thought you were against watching TV.
I am.
Then what is your djinn doing on TV?
Educating goats.
Oh, for heaven’s sake.
Exactly.